زوجة تانية عرفي محتارة بين الانفصال والاستمرار

Dear Awatf,
My Arabic is not very good as I spend most of my life in Europe but reading and speaking perfectly and your answer in Arabic would be greatly fine, glad found your website, where at least I can talk and get some straight answer to my problem, god bless you for all of things you do and don’t know how much you make difference when I read a lot of stories and your advice.
Am 35 years old, single mother who escaped from oppression of my country origin with just few hour born baby, spend my whole life looking after my son and studding and finished university all by myself alone when I was only 16 , am very successful in my life, but forgot about myself and never wanted a man in my life again after what i been through with my ex-husband let’s say it was forced marriage when i was only 13. left me with hug bruises and never trusted man again. nearly two years ago I meet with a man from another country in Middle East , we fall in love very quickly I guess he was a man lost and forgot about love just like me and also heartbroken like me. love took us far and we married ( عورفی) am Muslim so he is. don’t know how I accepted because am so against this type of marriage to tell you the truth. and our marriage continue and ongoing until now, he is still in his country and am still in Europe, I travel to see him every 2 or 3 month sometime 6 month. my problem I learned after 8 month that he is married and have 2 years old son too. First I could not believe myself went to server depression, and then accepted, still don’t know how I accepted as I am very much against polygamy so my family back in my country origin. still cant believe how I accepted. I love him more than myself, we are human and i know how much he loves me i feel it with all my bones , and told me about how he married he was in love with a school mate for 7 years and they were engaged too, but both side family was not happy with it and made so much problem for both until they separated them, she got married quickly after and he was in so much pain his family got him married quickly in fear of losing their son, he don’t love his wife but doing his job as husband , he works far away from his home, and visiting his wife once a month and of course sleeping with her, I cannot describe the pain of jealousy which I hated jealously and always told my clients jealousy is sickness and will kill everything in you, am now in the same position which killing me slowly, he is ready to do everything with me, marrying me according to Shariha Law and in court and have children with me too. Also will tell his wife after we have a child so no one can separate us after, especially her family won’t be able to ask divorcing me after child. All his family knows about me because when I visiting him we go to his family house, only his wife don’t know and of course my family which i don’t know how to tell them or even tell my friends, we both scared , me from my family and friends and him from his wife and her family also they might take away his son which he loves so much. His family begging me to not leave him, because he changed so much and saying after his heartbroken finally we see him happy and again in love. Our relationship is magic in every way possible from heaven, but me I still cannot accept that i am second wife, and how can I face my family and friends i know they are going to abandon me, beside feeling bad for his wife feeling guilty, even I secretly buy a lot of present for his wife and child and she don’t know, and now he just told me that his wife pregnant again, he cried so much in fear i would leave him, again I fall apart, his family telling me to read Quran to help me cope with feeling sorry for myself and be patient , tried to leave him so many times but could not do it, because he is the man exactly I wanted him in my life or dreamed of all my life. Please advise me, am going crazy here and don’t know what to do and its effecting my life my work I simply cannot make decision because I love him with all my heart.

نيرة- أوروبا 

مشكلتك هي مشكلة كل امرأة تقبل بالزواج برجل متزوج ، أو تقبل بأن تكون زوجة ثانية فتكون حياتها متقلبة متأرجحة لا تعرف الاستقرار ، كما بحر يهدأ يوماً ليثور أيام
وهي الضريبة الواقعية لمن تقبل بأن تكون حياتها رهن أشياء كثيرة زوج متزوج ومحمل بأعباء ومسئوليات وفوق كل ذلك فهو كاذب
دائماً الرجل الذي يتزوج بأخري يكذب إما علي الاولي أو الثانية أو الاثنتين معاً
وأنت ترين فيه رجل الاحلام والسوبر مان والحلم الذي انتظرته طويلاً
لكن المنغصات الكثيرة من حولك تحرمك متعة الاستقرار وتحرمك من الهدوء الذي تحلمين به
فلا بأس فكل شيء له ثمن طالما أنه حلمك الجميل الذي حققته ، فلتتحملي الشوك مقابل الورود ولترضي بلدغ النحل طالما ترغبين بالعسل
فنحن نعيش علي الأرض ولا توجد سعادة مطلقة ، وإنما السعادة دائماً مشوبة بالكثير والكثير الذي يجعلنا غير سعداء بالقدر الكافي أو نتمني لو خلت السعادة من كذا وكذا لتكون رائقة صافية بلا شوائب
أنت لن يمكنك الانفصال عنه وتركه مع كل هذا الحب الذي تحبينه له
لكنك تتمني لو أنه يترك زوجته أو أنها تختفي من الوجود ليبقي لك وحدك
وهذا لن يحدث يا عزيزتي ، ولو انه خُير بينكما لاختارها هي ، لأنها الأصل والذكريات والعشرة والحب أيضاً ولو لم يكن يحبها لما كانت الآن حامل في طفل آخر
،فكري في مستقبلك وفي صالحك لتعرفي كيف يمكنك أن تنجزي في عملك كيف يمكن أن تحققي نجاح اكثر كيف تتقدمي في حياتك ، لا تفكري فقط في الغيرة علي زوجك وعدم استقرارك فكل ذلك لن يحل لك مشكلاتك كوني عملية اكثير واشغلي نفسك بأشياء مفيدة تسعدك وتشغل وقتك وتمنع عنك الأفكار السلبية ركزي طاقتك فيما يفيدك ، ودعي الأيام تفعل ما تشاء فطالما ليس بيدك ما تفعلينه فلتتركي الامور تسير كما قدر الله لها .

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